Relapsing

"It's not about how many times you fall. It's about how many times you get up again"

I saw R today. Of course it could have been my imagination, but I absolutely think he saw me and then purposely looked away as he passed.

If only, you know? If only I could talk to him, if only he still had feelings for me. If only he'd believe me. I spend an awful lot of time thinking about what I'd say. That I'm different now? That I can be different? That I was broken and want to heel, and that I can't do that without him.

He'd look at me with that sceptical look on his face and say my name as if to bring me back to earth. Then he'd be mad and remind me that I'm the one who broke up with him, with the exadurated stale gestures he always makes when he's annoyed. Then I'd start crying and he'd soften and say "hey..." and angle his head. Then he'd repeat why it's not gonna happen in a softer tone. And when I manage to stop sobbing he'd get up and if I asked for a hug he'd hug me and nestle his fingers in my hair like he did the first time we kissed and he'd want to let go before I do so we'd step away out of rhythm from each other. Then he'd say that it's not like we'll never see each other again. But the next time he saw me he'd still just look the other way.

Haha, see, I can still know how he'd react to what I do and say.

That's also how I've been able to not talk to him for quite some time. I know he'd just tell me to go to hell. And it's my fault.

x

/E