when I'm like..

The way it never happens

I've been told that when you're in love with someone you don't want to be with anyone else. Not just that that person is your favourite person to be with, but that if you weren't with them, you wouldn't be with anyone else. 

Well, I used to think that I couldn't feel like that about anyone. And I mean, I've had great relationships, where we got together out of a series of fortunate circumstances, and where I, at times, had to actually try hard not to stray. But I've never felt that it's the one person or it's nothing. 

I used to wish to fall in love with someone like that. Now I've had a taste of it, and honestly, it fucking sucks. I don't ever want to feel this way again about anyone. It makes me so vulnerable and needy. 

I just want one of those romantic movie scenes in the rain where I tell him that since I got to know him, it hasn't felt right with anyone else, and allow myself to bring up all those emotions and tell him that I'm all his if he'll have me, and he won't be scared off at all, he will hug me and laugh because I'm shivering cold and he will tell me that he loved me all along and that he wants to be with me and only me. 

But that's not gonna happen. 

So I keep rolling forward with the emergency brake pulled, hoping that the pieces will all fall in the right places. 

If it doesn't matter then just turn around

I met up with him. We slept together. I guess we're gonna be doing that regularly from now on. Just start slow.
I actually kind of resent his friends nowadays. They have no idea how I feel about anything, they're just making presumptions, putting ideas in his head that I have to work hard to contradict. Right now, they're probably thinking that I'm desperate and in love with him and that I'll just take anything I can get with him, and telling him that he's an asshole for treating me this way. The thought of that just makes me angry beyond measure. It not only insults my integrity, but paints me as vulnerable and needy, which is pretty much the last things I want to be seen as.
Also, for the record, in fictional writing, the characters do not equal the author and even though I like to write on themes that correspond with my mindset, what my characters think and feel is not equal to what I think and feel. I hate the fact that people presume that everything my characters experience is equal to what I experience, because this means that no matter how different I make the characters from myself, I feel embarrassed to post anything now because people will just read into it.

4

Girls night tonight :) yay.

The worst feeling in the world has to be thinking about someone and hoping that they're thinking about you too, but having no clue whether they do.

6

I taught at a school today, and will tomorrow as well. I'm starting to think that I really need to work on being authoritative.

He liked a picture of me on facebook. I really want to message him, but at the same time, I need him to message me first. I'm the one who wanted this. I need to know that he wants it enough to get off his ass(metaphorically) and write me.

I'm considering living at our country house next week, and just get the garden ready for summer.

JUST LET IT GO ALREADY

I sometimes feel so disappointed in myself for not just letting it go, deciding that I'm better off without him and not expecting him to call. I can still get so angry with him for the way he acted, and even more angry with myself for not being angry with him then, but just being sad and clingy. I'd kind of like to yell at him that he's wrong, and that he's lying to himself, that he's an idiot for going home with someone else and that everything his his fault. Even though it's not. Well, a little bit.
The thing is that I thought that I'd have let go of that frustration by now.
Every day, my feelings for him fade a little, and I think about him less, but it's still there, and I hate not being able to talk to him, but at the same time, I have no idea what I would say. I don't know what I would get out of being with him again, I just know that I really want to see him, talk to him, and hold him close.
I just keep thinking that he'll call, and that if he doesn't, there's no use pushing it.
I'd just really want to know what he's thinking right now, how he spends his time, if he's seeing someone, and if he's wondering the same about me.

9

Here's a hamster in a sweater. It's one of those pictures I like to look at when I'm down. It makes me smile.

I've decided where I'm going to live in fall, and I'm really excited about going to uni. I've missed studying, so I'm looking forwards to doing well on that front, and I'm also really excited about all the people I'm going to get to know there. I mean, university is the place where most meet their life-long friends, and even their life partners.

I've been trying to focus on the big picture like this to distract myself from the fact that it's been 2 weeks and he might contact me soon. I figure it's no big deal, as I said, it should be up to him to reach out to me, and if he doesn't I can just maybe like some picture of him on facebook next week or something to see if that gets things going.
I would be really happy if he contacted me, but if he doesn't, that's okay (or so I try to convince myself). I'll be a bit hurt, because I still like him, but it's not like he's the love of my life or anything. I'm going to enjoy my 2-3 months of summer, with or without him, and then I'm moving on to bigger things.
The problem is that those things aren't happening now, and right now I kind of wish I could call him, that hearing my voice would somehow magically make him realise that he's crazy about me and wants to make the most of these last weeks together. As if.