Control

"I dont care what it takes, I want control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul"

Now most people my age have been to a therapist at some point in their lives. Me, being as fucked up as I am, am no exception.

I guess I may have told the story before, but I started out with a woman I quite liked, its the one they sent everyone to at first. She told me that my thinking was very mature for my age (people have been saying that since kindergarden so thats nothing new) but she saw clearly that I had a "mental disease" and needed to send me to a specialist. I hate how she labelled it, and I hated the specialist even more. He was fat, ugly, bearded, and insisted on calling my parents mammi and pappi. I bailed on that pretty soon.

I had thought it would have been cool, like in the movies, but its totally not. People like that are not more intelligent or qualified to talk to than any random person on the street. And when thats the case Id rather talk to my friends... If I were to talk at all.

My point is that therapists put words in your mouth. Like, "aha, you do this because your mother tells you what to do all the time and you want control?". Me like ".... no ... she lets me take care of myself...". Continues: "aha. So shes not around and neither is your father, so you want control of that."-"no. I dont mind."-"Aha. So you hate living here and want to control your own life?" ... and so it goes on.

What is that with control anyways? Thats like what comes up as top answer when you google troubled kids. Not to say Im troubled, there are worse and Im living what could be seen by other people as a normal life. Actually it is quite a normal life most days.

So whats wrong with me? Bet youre curious enough now. The thing is, I dont know. Im not thaaat fucked up, not like you need to think about it all the time when youre with me, actually everyone has it a little, I just happen to have it a lot. That feeling. Not being good enough. Not being smart enough or pretty enough or just generally less than everyone else. And I know you think this is stupid of me to say seeing as how Ive gained a LOT of weight lately and am actually kind of chubby, but sometimes I dont want to eat.

x

/E