Just crushed my heart, dont worry bout it

"I just want to thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all the sleepness nights, and for tearing me apart"

Summer 2010

So R says hi to me now when we walk past each other. This would be great, if only he didnt do so with a face expression like I just ran over his dog.

I want to email him, text him, talk to him, whatever. But every time I start writing something I notice it sounds so arrogant! Like Im all full of myself and it should be an obvious thing that hell take me back at the smallest wink. Now, I know that if I put my mind to it, theres a large chance that I could convince him to get back to me. Thats not an insult to him, more a compliment: I would apologize and make promises and take advantage of his feelings, while hed just try to spare mine by not ignoring me, and then fall in to my trap so to say. Why dont I? Because I cant be sure that itd work. And I dont want to fuck things up again, I didnt want to before either of course but then I wasnt as careful as now.

And I fall into temptation every time. I can fall in love with a boy for a week and follow every impulse, then get bored with him or realize that he wasnt what I excepted, and he will usually feel the same way back. And then Im back to longing for my R. Not that hes mine.

Its like a little kid which has its favourite teddy bear. Whenever it gets a new toy thats the favorite for a while, but its still the teddy which gets dragged around everywhere and thats the one which stays on the shelf when its time to grow up.

I dont expect him to wait around for me to grow up. But I feel like Im almost starting to.

x

/E