Not that I care...

No quote.

I was at Ls house the other day and M was there too. M is just awesome somehow. She shares my mentality. When normal people would look at me like Im insane, she exclaims that she wants a poster of me on her wall.

Either way, we talked about how people can be funny sometimes when they want to act like they dont care, obviously just to get you to come around.

Like, I dont give a shit about you, so Im gona go on facebook, look through my friendslist, still not caring, searching out your name, still not caring, going on your profile, not that it matters, Im clicking delete friend, because I didnt just spend a load of time demonstratively deleting someone I didnt really care whether they were my friend or not. Why did you delete me? Ill ask, and youll respond that it doesnt matter to you if were friends or not. The point is that if it didnt matter, you would have left it. Im not only talking bout S here, this happened to me with J too. If you dont care, why rub it in my face that youre distancing yourself from me?

At that point I stop caring.

Any effort to get my attention is a waste of time anyway.

I only want R.

Me and L were joking about me camping outside of his window til he takes me back.

But I guess Ill try to respect whatever he says.

Its just, this is the kind of deal where I just have to do something about what Im feeling. I cant just push it down and conceal it, not that Im normally good at that, but this time especially: If I could fight this, I would. But I cant. So I switched sides and started encouraging it instead. And I hope he will do the same... though I know thats not what hes doing right now.

Hes probably thinking the same things he was thinking 2 years ago. That Im bad news and likely to hurt him. But still part of him would like to. At least I hope so.

Im optimistic but realistic about tomorrow. And nervous.

x

/E