When happy means not unhappy

Every day it's the fucking same. And every night I say I'm not going to school the next morning. And I end up going anyways. And I feel like shit, don't do shit, write shit tests, go "home", lay around half sleeping, have dinner, go to bed. Oh and I left out my evening routine of course, cos I'm not very proud of it. Yeh the smart ones of you have figured it out.

The point is that I'm sick of it. I don't want this anymore.

I want R. I saw him today and he saw me too and purposely avoided me. Ran into his lil brother at bäumlihof and he's grown. I miss his whole family, you know? I miss going to his and sleeping in his bed and calling him all the time. Him calling me. Why won't he fucking talk to me? He thinks so little of me. He thinks I'm like I was in december. And he likes someone else. I think that's the point where I just gave up and went over to feeling sorry for myself.

I've texted him, trying to tell him that I enjoy talking to him, and he just tells me he doesn't enjoy talking to me and I should move on. Jerk, I know. But he's right. That doesn't change anything though.

Why? Why why why? Why can't other boys be more fun? They're just all the same. Childish, unromantic, egoistic. I want R. I want someone worth loving.

x

/E