Heartache

I don't only mean the emotional kind...

I know I'm being paranoid, but my chest is seriously hurting. Not that it's serious, Dr mother waved it off as the kind of pain you feel when your stomach content is pressing up. Which isn't a particularly cosy thought either.

My mom never took any of my injuries very seriously, and it made me feel like I'm always being such a pussy, like it's not even that bad. With my sister though, the smallest bruise is fatal and she needs ice packs and bandages.

A good friend once told me something that stayed in my head. He asked me how I was and I said I was great, and then he scoffed and said "E... you could be shot in the leg and bleeding to death, and if someone asked you how you were you'd put on that sweet smile and say 'Great, you?'. So tell me how you're really doing"

I've also been told I should make myself more vulnerable. I'm not trying to be closed off, I just don't want to take up too much space with people I don't know well.

I have so many friends who I don't even let in. Maybe I am a peach after all. But with a hard shell... so you have trouble getting in, and hardly ever even get to the center. I'm an almond.

I want something to live for. Something to be passionate about, something I can hold close and not feel that I'm not good enough for, or good enough at. But I can't attach myself to anything because I'm so scared it'll go away once I do.

I have so much love and nowhere to place it.

And I'm not even talking about romance. I don't mean that I want a boyfriend, because to me that's something different. I want to be closer to people around me, want to be able to open more and take care of my friends when they need me. I just don't know how to go about it. I feel so threatened around many girls and boys tend to misinterpret what I want from them, so they either step away or become rude.

I guess I want to love and be loved, what we all essentially want but never quite pursue.

x

/E