Here we go again

What is this, my fourth post today?

Well, I'd be ecstatic if any of the bloggers I follow would update this much.

Once again I'm sitting up in my bed and can't sleep. It's not that late, I know, it's only 22:09, but I know I won't be able to sleep until 23:30 at least.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried evaluating it, and I usually end with it being anxiety, but right now I just feel swollen. I've been drinking so much tea today, I don't even know how much I ate. I've been feeling useless as well, slow and dense in my thinking and even though I've been trying to study all day I've gotten almost nowhere.

I guess I'm tired, I just can't sleep. I want to sleep but at the same time I don't. It's like, if I fall asleep something awful will happen, even though I know it's not true. Unless you count having to survive another day as awful.

I'm just so tired of hearing that it gets worse before it gets better.

I want to go back to the time where I was weak and suicidal, not raging and obnoxious like I feel now.

I miss being so cold all the time, I miss feeling on the verge of jumping, I miss being told I look bony and I miss not feeling anything other than my purring stomach.

Now I'm just warm and big and swollen.

I know I shouldn't think this way but I really do hate myself sometimes. Most of the time. No wonder I can't sleep. I'm ambivilant to never waking up.

x

/E