Why?

So I read through my old blog. The one I blocked when I got with R. Yeah, I kept writing it for him to read. It's mostly about how much I was in love with him and that stuff just makes me sad. I'm scared to love people, because I don't know they'll love me back. Either way, I found an old poem I wrote and thought I'd publish it because it wasn't all bad. I know, it's really difficult to like other peoples poems, but give it a shot.

Truth be clear

Running faster so you may

still your feet won't touch the ground.

Screaming at me to obey

What is heard is not a sound.

Fumbling for a leading star

always will you remain blind

slowly grasping how things are

now you've fallen far behind

Digging deeper for a deapt

for emptiness is what you fear

Found will be what you have kept

what is real is not so clear

Hope be pure, truth must not

all you know will one day end

Hope is what you once forgot

and never more shall you pretend

I thought it spoke to me. Back when I didn't act shallow to avoid getting emotionally engaged in, well, anything, because that means getting hurt. I'm scared. I don't want to engage myself in anything, because what if I get disappointed? I feel like it's going in the direction of taking a real risk soon, getting really attached to someone... but what if he hurts me? What if I really fall in love and he doesn't want me as much as I want him? Is it like this for everyone?

I get boys, I suppose no one missed out on that. I don't need to worry about not getting attention. But it's all so shallow, and how am I supposed to know who wants what from me? What do I even want from them?

x

/E