It's always the same with me

-What is happiness?
-It's when you're not disappointed but also not necessarily proud.
-What if you don't care? Is that the same as being happy?
-Well, no... it's a bit unclear.

That's just the thing. I don't care. Nothing matters to me. I guess that's why I do stupid things.

Okay, it's not quite true that nothing matters to me. Long-term things matter to me. But in the short term, decisions I make about the moment, those kind of things don't mean a thing. Maybe one day I'll start caring, so I still need to take care of my future.

I guess I wish everything would matter more. I mean, stuff other people care about is completely insignificant to me. Everything is fake and shallow and what I suppose I'm doing is throwing myself into different kinds of self-destruction until I find something that makes me feel. The result, though, is that I become more and more numb.

x
/E