Homesick

"If it's a broken part replace it, if it's a broken arm then brace it, if it's a broken heart then face it.."

Home is not a place, it's a feeling. And I don't have that feeling here and now.

I have that feeling in my bed in sweden, at our country house. It's just perfectly soft and I still have the sheets with horses on them that I got from my grandmother for christmas.

I had that feeling with R...

But it's gone. He's gone, the places are gone, or maybe it's me who went away. I feel like I'm misplaced. Maybe that's why I can't sleep.

This apartment, it's not my home, it's a place I live and it feels like any second we could move somewhere else.

I'll be here for two more years, but what's the point?

I see a point in life, long-term, but short term there's just no point in getting out of bed in the morning.

I want a change, but what if I turn my life upside down and it turns out I regret it?

I've been thinking about boarding school. But it's not like that's gonna happen. Truth is I don't have the courage to make a change like that.

Or maybe I'm wrong, I mean, I did change school to the one I'm in now on my own initiative.

It's just, all my friends go away in one way or another. And I want people around me who I'm close to but I don't have the energy to get to know people here.

I want to go home!

I wish I could try it for just a little while... live an other life for a few weeks. See if I want it.

R and I don't talk, F is changing schools, E is going away and L and I are kind of on-off. So who do I have?

I'm like a monopoly figure that lost the package. A lonely little silver hat, forgotten in a drawer somewhere.

My bffs in sweden wrote me a song about how they want me to come home already. Kinda cute, I mean the lyrics were shit but I can imagine they worked for ages on it. I want to be there so bad! I mean sure, I'm making a lot of money now, and sooner or later a time will come when I'll really need it, but... what's that to me now?

One day studying my ass off, learning a million languages and making experiences will pay off, but what comfort is that when all I want to do is take the easy way out and just go home, because that's how everyone else seems to be doing it and it turns out well for the rest of the world.

x

/E