So much easier

Had a major anxiety attack yesterday. Wouldn't stop sobbing, and started hyperventilating.

Thought that only happened in movies...

I can't stop missing him. Parts of me doesn't even want to.

I just really want to be with him. It's not that I can't get anyone else, but I can't fall in love with anyone else. Don't tell me to give it time, it's been half a year.

He's not comfortable with being around me, he says. He knows that his feelings for me will rule over reason sooner or later. But then he contradicts himself and says that it's not like we'll never see each other again.

If he used to feel the way I feel now, I hate myself for making him feel that way.

But I was so fucked up... I was mean to him and he acted like an abused puppy, the meaner I was the more he tried to make me happy. I couldn't bear it, so I'm not regretting breaking up.

I guess... I just want him to see that I've changed. Not as a person, it's still me, just my perspective.

I know I'm being annoying towards him, I've actually managed not to contact him since graduation (when he told me he didn't want to meet up and say goodbye), but I can't get him out of my head, and I'm not the kind of person who can just look the other way when I feel so strongly about something.

Whenever there's someone else, I can focus on that someone... for like 2 days, max. Then it goes back to R...

He probably has someone else. Well, he likes someone else. I don't think he'd be dating someone. Not because he couldn't... it just doesn't happen that way for him a lot.

It sucks, I know. I'm very aware of the fact that I'm like a little buzzing fly when you sleep, it tickles and annoys you and won't go away, you just want to sleep.

But hey.. who goes through life sleepwalking. I mean, maybe there are people who like to just have everything completely complication free, zero excitement and everything predictable, but I don't understand that at all.

I'm not going away... I can't let go of this. And I don't want to.

x

/E