Substancial addiction

"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity."

I think I might have been suppressing how much I miss M, especially now that the daily 2-hour skype call has been replaced by one or two texts forth and back here and there. I feel silly for being so dependent on him, but in a way, I need him to feel good.
I used to love my bulimia. Honestly, I never felt so safe as when I was bent over the toilet, knowing that I could get rid of everything in my stomach. It was bad for me, and I knew this, but I never felt it. Even the bad side effects, I just loved them: Feeling dizzy, being cold, coughing. It was worth it.
Sick, right? I guess I view it as a power that just took control of me and told me what to do. I'd just give in and it was easy.
But I can't be filled up with good and bad at the same time, and even though I'd started to try to make a change, the bulimia only left my life when M entered it. I didn't want to be disordered anymore, because I fell in love. But love is a sort of power as well, it has a really strong hold on me and as long as I don't get to be around him I feel incomplete.
I guess what I'm saying is that he filled in a gap in my life that hasn't been empty, ever, but has rather been filled by other things before, things I'm happy to get rid off... at least long-term.
And now he's so far away and it feels really really empty and I fucking miss him so goddamn much and on the 10th of August or whenever it was that he's done with this army training stuff I'm going to hold on to him and never ever let go of him ever. I long for that moment.