They said it changes when the sun goes down

"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."


People ask me if I'm crazy. To thing that I would commit was a long shot, and that I'd be in a long distance relationship, well, I don't think anyone saw that coming. Maybe you'd want to know how I'm managing.

Well, first of all, I have to admit that it's difficult. It's so fucking difficult. I think about him all the time, and I talk about him so much it almost feels like he's around. But when I go to bed at night... it's not the same to talk to someone over skype as to have them in bed with you. It's not enough. And soon I won't even have that.
I see a future with him. That's also why I'm so keen on not cheating on him. So far, so good, haha. I just don't put myself in situations where I'd be tempted to. I don't drink, I don't go out much, and if I'm meeting a guy who could maybe try to make a move on me, I make sure to meet in public.

It might be hard for me this upcoming week, because I won't talk to him so much since he's going into military training on Monday, and I might be hanging out with a friend who I've been known to cheat on past boyfriends with, and who I - if I am to be absolutely honest - would've already slept with today if I didn't have M. Not because I want to, just because he's one of my old self destructive habits. I miss him, just like I miss throwing up. I guess that's hard to understand for all the saints out there.

But: I'm convinced that M is worth this. I'm trying to be a better person, which I should be doing for myself but I never would if it wasn't for him. I want to be the best version of me for him.

That isn't to say that this saint isn't going to be a sinner when I'm on my knees for him...