Snowflakes

"The only way to get rid of a desire is to give in to it."

So finally I got the computer working so i can blog! It's actually really addicting. Kind of like a therapy replacement.

But its difficult to type when the father keeps talking to me. Its nice of him to be social and all but its like when were sitting in the livingroom reading and he keeps commenting what hes reading to me, theres no way I can focus on doing anything else.

So here i am in sweden, average temperature of minus 20 degrees which makes for the coldest winter in the last 100 years. And Im writing on a mac... which sucks. no offence to macs, i just dont know where anything is and ive spent all day updating it. Still havnt managed msn though.

So christmas presents. did i get what i wanted? Well, i got what i expected to get.

if i could whish for one thing right now it would be clarity, the ability to make decisions and know what i want. Mostly when it comes to the boy question.

According to the mother i eat like a mosquito, although im convinced that im on a highway heading towards looking like a seal. atleast ill be warm.

Yes lara i know im not fat =)

Atleast today i went to the gym, finally. its mostly a question of getting someone to drive me there.

So right now im not doing sports, and im not doing... it. feels like im loosing my identity a little? i mean, if your actions defining who you are. i sure know what jumping into bed with anyone would make me anyways, and as i keep insisting im not like that. in my own defence, theres no shame in saying what everyone was thinking. or should have been thinking.

in the first grade, my friend hannah always said that if she dressed as .. boldly.. as I did she would get atleast as much attention from boys as me. So if you look at it that way, i only get boys because i put out. i dont agree at all. first of all, if everyone could be like me and get more advantages, they would. im not saying that its all that great to be me, but just theoretically second, boys dont like me because i put out easily, as a matter of fact, i dont. i make sure he deserves it as much as the next girl and i only ever consider boys i find attractive aswell, its not like i just get with those who are available. the difference is that once i do get with him, its... lets just say i know what to do.

After breaking up with R, though, i realized im terrifyed that a boy will disappear. not because R did, but because if im used to that level of commitment, less feels unreliable. at the same time, i dont want commitment.

Separation anxiety and fear of commitment, what a lovely contradiction.

But when it comes down to it, im only just a girl. i mean, even though i claim not to, deep down i love all that romantic bullshit with the "youre so beautiful"s etc. Although im quite used to the reverse roles of me being the one in charge of affectionate words. Of cause, when being affectionate towards a boy, the words may be a little more primal...

back to the thing about me only being a girl: im worried because its probable that if i sleep with someone, ill fall for him. (this is where 75% of the boys who were hoping to get with me back off, and 90% of those who would never sleep with someone "like me" become interested)

The thing is, im backing off the whole more-boys-than-i-can-count-on-one-hand-at-the-same-time thing and just letting it be. i mean, im not gona be celibate or anything, if someone whos worth it wants me i wont ignore it, its just im not going to kills myself trying to find someone who doesnt just want a one night stand.

x

/E

p.s. what i really wanted for christmas is you.