Llegar

"As a child, Summer only ever loved two things. One was her long, beautiful black hair. The second was how she could cut it off and feel nothing."
-100 Days of Summer

What you should know about me, is that I'm honest, be it a painful truth, a dirty confession or a personal question.
So I decided to start blogging again. As you might know, I stopped one and a half years ago after getting together with R, because he didn't like the attention he got for what I wrote about him and us. Well, as you may have caught on, we broke up. Not that he forbid me from blogging, but the relationship changed me somehow. I'm noticing now that I'm becoming more open, more impulsive and more social after breaking up with him. It's like I enclosed myself in my own little world and now that he's gone I have to find my way back to earth. Does it sound like I'm not liking it? Because I am.
There is one thing I'd love to tell the world, and I guess there's nothing really stopping me. Stirring emotions up has always kindof been my thing anyways.
At the winterball, to which I went with the former boyfriend, I did two things I had never expected myself to do. The first was telling R that I didn't want to be his girlfriend, not now and probably not ever. The second was expressing my interest in someone else. The surprising thing about the second fact wasn't so much what I did as who it was with. Please don't guess because I'm not going to say. I only really did something so bold because someone told me I had no chance with him. So after countless failed attempts at getting his attention, I demonstrated what I wanted... and he got to experience the first rush of the mixture of arousement and terrifying fear that I tend to cause boys to feel. Afterwards he got a chance to "think" and in order to "not hurt feelings" "decided" that we should better just "be friends". Bah! As if he were anything more than amusement.
Okay that was a lie. I'd like to feel that he was nothing more than amusement, but the truth is, he matters. Not that I expected anything.
Today, I realized how much fun S can be. He's in my class and people tend to have mixed opinions about him, but as it turns out, we have more in common than I thought. I like the way he's not afraid to sit close, not because I'm attracted to him, but because I bond that way. He's the kind of person you can semi-flirt with and he'll semi-flirt back with a grin without making anything of it. And maybe I push it a little to make G jealous. G would be a boy in my class who people think I have something with, which is not really true. I added the "really" for tension. He's probably into me but too innocent to admit it, which I can live with.
Anyone else hate french?
I'm basically done with my biology essay but I should look through it again... the mother gets home in half an hour and I'll ask her to read it. She's a professor in medicin and I'm crazy proud of her even though I wish she would be home more. Yes, 16 is old enough to admit you love your mom!
Should maybe prepare dinner, but I'm not hungry. Should maybe study french, but I don't feel like it. Should probably study french.
Everyone in my class is seriously good at school. They are school-smart and ambitious, expecially some boys. I don't mind, I'm just really competitive and it's not fun to be average. But to put it differently: I'm older than basically everyone and I'm also the only one who knows what to do in bed.
I was told today that I probably see sex differently than most. I may act like I'd fuck anything that walks but, to tell you a secret, I never did it with anyone other than R and I don't know if I'm ready for someone else. Okay, depends how you define "it", sure there was 2nd and 3rd base first, but never the real thing before him. When I say I'm not ready for someone else, I mean mentally. Physically I'm very very ready after 2 weeks of no sex. Eternity for me.

Comment =)
Will write more soon.
xxx
/E