Knowledge is power

"There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you."

Today we had this discussion in history about natinality, and where you belong most. I realized that the porbably reason that most of my friends here aren't swiss, or atleast only partially, is because I have more in common with that category. I mean, those who may not always belong to something different, but at least know that there is something out there other than this protected upbringing. Not that I'd have grown up under harsh conditions or dealt with more "dirty" situations, but being 14 in stilettos and pushup doing drugs and hitting on 25 year olds is a little different from being 14 in converse and ponytail eating massive amounts of sugar and saturated fats in the for of chocolate frappochinos at starbucks while talking about unicorns.
People keep asking me if I miss sweden, and the thing is, I coudn't know. I left right before my life would've taken off and of cause I long for what could have been, but there's no way to compare. Who says I would have been happier. There's always the could-have-beens and the risks you didn't take, but I keep thinking, if I had stayed I would obsess about what could have been here. And I've experienced a lot here which I woudln't give back for the world.
When I first came to switzerland, I had a whole year or innocent childrensplay with 3 close friends and I got to feel that I belonged, without worrying about how to make it last for another week. In school I learned that I have practically no limitations and I easily hit everybodys expectations out of the park. So then I moved schools and got to know R, and I don't regret a single thing about that, except that I should have been nicer to him in the last half-year. Last year I made some of the best friends I've ever had, they love me for who I am and I can't begin to say how much I apreciate them. Now I'm in the "genious class" and I'm constantly surrounded by people I would never have met under different circumstances. We get to feel like we're hand-picked, we're special, and I guess it brings us together because I've never known of a class with such a good feeling. They're not all complete nerds as I first thought and I'm even warming up to those who are.
I have no idea what I would have if I had stayed in sweden, but I would never give this up for it. At the same time the longing for what could have been, who I could have been, then life I could have been having... it tears me apart, because even though I'm happy here, I miss...
I miss friends who are like me, or who I can take after.
Who know what make-up brand is the best, who travel in a cloud or perfume, who drink and party and who I can talk to about diets and sex positions.
I'm not saying I want to be that person. I guess I just want to live that persons life sometimes. But you can't have it all.
x
/E