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"We all have fantasies. Life wouldnt be fun if we werent yearning for some far-off dream which we knew would never come true."

Its funny how you always want what you cant have, and as soon as you have it its not even important anymore. Maybe thats why we have a tendency to focus on the things we did wrong rather than what we did right. The things we achieved are what we can have already, and what we want is what we didnt manage to get. I still havnt quite managed to figure out what happens when we lose the things we took for granted while chasing after clouds, I suppose it would be logical that we would realize how much we miss the things we had and assumed would always be there, but I dont always react that way. Not as long as I have the impossible dream within sight.

Sometimes my jealousy is irrational. Like, if a boy I think is cute takes interest in another girl, I immediately want to be her best friend, I kindof convert it into a competition between me and him for who she will like better.

On a non-related note:
Its funny to get to know someone when youre younger, and then realize that there is a more grown up side to that person. Sometimes it pisses you off and you feel like you dont even know eachother any more, but in my case, and with the boy Im thinking about, it quite amuses me. Suddenly we talk about boy-girl related things, which we havnt at all before, and I feel like it brings us closer. Not that Id ever sleep with him, not that he isnt hot, but I woudlnt know who to gossip about it to, since I usually gossip with him about different boys. I mean, hes kindof behind the curtains so to say and its usually best to get a boys opinion about another boy. But the other day we were talking about the concept of friends with benefits, and how it theoretically works as long as both are open, although the question remains how much fun it really is if no feelings are involved at all, and when he said he could imagine that sort of thing with some of the girls hes friends with, I came a milimeter from asking if Im one of them. But I figured the answer would have been akward either way because it would have seemed like I wanted something, and I dont, at least not at this point in our lives, still, in pure theory, it would be fun to know. Something about knowing the boys around me are attracted to me makes me feel good about myself, though it does bring a sort of tension into the interaction.
Oh wow look at me stalling. Thats 15 minutes of what could have been homework time. Whatever...

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