Disobey

I was at a friends house yesterday, if I can call him a friend, I guess I would call him my ex except we were never official. Either way, I'm just realizing that I gravely underestimated his intentions with me. He wanted to kiss me yesterday, one last time, but I said no. I let him lay next to me on his couch, though, and pull me close and tell me I smell nice, but I kept having to tell him to back off when he started kissing my neck or playing with the lining of my jeans. He laughed it off as "old habits die hard"  but I could tell he was really hurt by me rejecting him like that. I believe him when he says that he doesn't expect anything more from me now that I'm with someone else, except for that kiss he asked for, but it still hurts me to have to turn him down. I guess I had more feelings than I thought for him, too, or maybe I just want what I can't have. And well, those feelings have left enough residue for my heart to race when I ring his doorbell and for me to feel genuinely sad that I can't kiss him, because even if it wouldn't mean anything more than goodbye for me, it would matter to M.
It's really hard for me to be with one person. Not because he's not good enough, but because it's hard for one person to fill my required attention quota, especially someone like M who likes everything to be clear and honest, I mean, I need that, but I thrive on drama. The kind of drama that you get from dating 5 guys at once.
But seriously, this thing with my "ex" is really causing me stress and that puts my eating on end and that ruins my muscle gains. I feel sorry for him. Somehow, I want to be everyones, and make everyone happy. Or do I just want everyone to be mine?

Don't think this means I'm changing my opinion... I'm faithful to M despite many opportunities not to be. I want to be with him. I just try so hard not to hurt people and I do, still, and it harms me that I can't make it better.