My hell which I almost got over

Okay, so I said no ED stuff on this blog, but I thought I'd let those who care know how I'm doing, without having to read my other blog, where I write really detailed and (to normal people) disgusting stuff about how I eat.. or mostly don't eat.

YES I KNOW IM NOT THIN. You don't need to be thin to have an ED. We've been over this before. I eat nothing and nothing and nothing and then a LOT at once.

So anyways, if you don't want to hear about it, skip this post.

I frequently get the question why I haven't gotten help. Everyone talks about what a huge deal it is to confess you have a problem. They say it's the hardest part. Well, you know what? That's bullshit. It's the easiest part. It's the part that you do and then it's done. I first asked for help in autumn 2009. I got evaluated and placed with a specialist... who I hated. Then I was phsycotwat-less for a while, did some half-hearted attempts to find a new one but as it turns out, therapy doesn't work for me. I usually end up just trying not to cry because I feel so awkward sitting there and answering their casual questions about the most personal stuff about me. So yeah. Currently I'm seeing this great nutritionist who accepts what I want... I told her I wanted to lose weight again cos I'm seriously not comfortable with how I look now and my clothes don't fit. She put me on a feeding schedule, as I like to call it. It's a food plan.

It's just so much food. Sooo much food. It takes me like 30 min-1hr to eat a portion and when I compare it to other peoples food there's ridiculously little on my plate.

I'm just used to eat sugary stuff and then feel bad and skip meals.

I'm done with that now.

But I don't know how this will influence the rest of my life... I've already noticed that I'm really tired and annoyed all the time... hopefully it'll pass.

Sorry for ranting.

Just if I'm acting a little off, like slow or annoyed, it's because I have the feeling of food in my stomach, it actually makes me nauseous cos I fucked up the connecting between my stomach and mouth. Like, the muscles that are supposed to keep food down have adjusted to letting it back up.

Hope this isn't too repulsive to you guys.

I'm gonna stop talking about it now...

But feel free to ask me whatever about it.

And if you feel like you in any way have trouble with eating, you can talk to me. I know a lot about what's good and bad, as in, how to make it as harmless as possible until you're ready to get better. It took me almost 4 years to gather this knowledge (though I sometimes wish to un-know it) so yeah, I guess I know how it goes.

And remember kids:

Never starve.

Never make yourself vomit.

Never let food control your life.

x

/E