Crumble

Tomorrow the father comes here. There's incredibly much stress about this. The kind of underlying tension that's so obvious but if you point it out it can't be found anymore.

I did study for the spanish test. Not enough, but a little.

I wasn't a lot of fun today. Was mostly just standing around being depressed and tired. I just don't want to talk. I was unhappy for most of the day and even though people keep asking me to open up more, once I do, I load a massive weight onto other peoples shoulders, the purest form of anxiety and stress, unhappiness so sheer that you desperately want to make it go away but there's absolutely nothing you can say or do. This drives people away. It's like, opening your own personal door and showing the hell that goes on inside of it. No one wants to be around that. Either you get dragged in or you feel awkward. The only person I can be wounded around is the same as me and we take turns in comforting each other.

This may sound really dramatic, but it's true.

It ended things with R, he wanted to make me feel better and blamed himself when he couldn't, it messes up my relation with L.E. and even with my mom... People who care, who know, who see it but look away wishing they could deal with it.

My own personal hell. That's been burning for the past few days. Hopefully it's gone now. For now.

x

/E