The desire for desires

“Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom”

So yes, you've probably noticed: I'm back together with R. I suppose sleeping with your ex isn't really ok if you don't take them back afterwards. Maybe wanting to sleep with him was reason enough to do so. I suppose I'm sounding heartless, so just to make it clear, I really care about him. It feels nice to be with him again.
It just limits what I can write here, because he's going to read it and misinterpret it and I'm going to spend hours on the phone with him convincing him he's good enough.
I just sometimes whish he could think more of himself. Confidence never killed anyone.

It also doesn't hurt to be with him to show other boys I talked to who didn't exactly treat me like they should've that they don't matter as much as he does.

Have you ever been a stand-by? Like the one someone goes to when they can't get someone else? Well, I was for a while: someone available while the better girl didn't want anything. I was annoyed about it, until Lara reminded me that the boy in question wasn't my first option at all, not even second in line. That made me feel better.

I just can't help my inevitable jealousy. I want to be everyones number 1, even if they aren't that special to me. Sometimes I even go for a boy I woudln't really want if it wasn't because some other girl wanted him or because someone thought I coudln't have him. I'm just extremely competitive.

I should sleep now, I didn't even go to practise (oh my gawd this has to be serious) today because I had a headache.
When you feel like shit, sometimes it's good to know you're not the only one. It kindof brings us closer together, that we are all suicidal on test days.

And no, I didn't study today. Didn't do anything useful, not even baking. I wanted to make this bread but my mom woudln't let me, she said we have to get rid of the other stuff I've made first.
Way to kill my hopes and dreams mother dearest.

Sleeping now.
Dream about me ;)

x
/E