Does it hurt you, does it chew you to the bone?

I know I haven't been updating a lot, it's just that I don't want to write something depressing and useless.

Even though I feel like those two adjectives describe me best most of the time. It's sort of a bad cycle, because the worse it gets, the more people give up on me, and the more hopeless I feel. I understand that it's not fun to be around someone who needs constant cheering up. But what am I supposed to do, be happier? I'm too self-absorbed to pull off pretending to be happy.
The thing is, I'm afraid of happiness. It's a feeling I don't carry around a lot, so when I genuinely feel it, I often mistake it for anxiety. I'll get over that with practice, I mean, I used to have the same relation to hunger feelings, and now I can recognize them without trouble.

Maybe I should carry a warning sign. Warning: In case of discovered flaw: Can not be externally fixed.  Will have to be put up with until further progress.

x
/E